Hooking Up: Destroying Intimacy

hooking upEach sexual experience outside of marriage is like stepping in poop. When you have poop on your shoe, but don’t know it, you stink up your house. The same is true with sex. Many are unaware of how bad the consequences are of having sex before the commitment of marriage. The underlying problems will permeate your future marriage with a lingering stench that ultimately can destroy your family.

Through my ministry as The Faith Coach and my own personal experience, I have gained valuable insight into why many marriages fail. Having established my marriage on the wrong foundation and suffering the consequences, I believe premarital sex is the leading cause to the high rate of divorce today and the destruction of the family unit.

Today young men and women believe a lie that is killing them and their future relationships. Over the past years popular shows like “Sex In The City” and “Friends” have redefined intimacy. Now our society accepts “hooking up” and “friends with benefits” as a way to casually connect with the opposite or same-sex for entertainment and pleasure.

What society doesn’t know will hurt them. Hooking up hurts. Here are seven reasons why intimacy is destroyed by being sexual before the marriage vows take place:

Seven Destroyers of Intimacy

1. Disappointment: People often think that the passionate illicit sex experienced prior to marriage vows will continue into and throughout marriage. Sorry, but life happens! We get tired, bored, uninterested, and we can even experience headaches.

When we choose to marry it should be about true intimacy, which comes from commitment, friendship, and feeling honored. Our relationship and sense of intimacy should not be based on sex. When the relationship begins with sexual experiences rather than developing healthy communication, it often results in one spouse feeling disappointed, rejected, and bitter when the sexual activity wanes.

Each sexual experience is like a leech that latches on and we never forget. The memories of those experiences can cause comparisons that may lead to disappointment later with our spouse. There is no reason to “test drive” your potential partner. In a safe, loving relationship developed with honor and respect, you should be able to openly share your needs with your loving spouse. And if you need help there are plenty of books and magazines that will offer advice, but wait to read them with your spouse.

2. Disrespect: Often having a sexual relationship in dating can lead to feelings of being used and rejected. Premarital sex is the pursuit of self-gratification at the expense of someone else’s honor. A safe, loving sexual relationship is one of the benefits of marriage, not dating.

Many girls, desperately wanting to feel loved, give themselves away by performing sexual acts to satisfy the desires of a guy. In return they may receive some token of appreciation or attention with the idea that they will feel loved. Yet casual sex leads to rejection, the destruction of self-worth, and depression.

Never disrespect yourself by giving into a pushy man or woman who demands sex. If you are valued for who you are, not what you do in bed, then he or she will wait until marriage. “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” (1Corinthians 6:18)

3. Delusion: Often sex will cloud our perception. We are unable to see clearly who our partner really is. We ignore all the character flaws and red flags because being sexually enmeshed prevents us from breaking away from the dating relationship. In marriage those problems become clear, yet they were there all along. Instead, we just cover them up and distract ourselves by being sexual. Women, save yourself a lot of trouble by keeping your eyes open to potential problems, while you keeping your panties on.

4. Disease: Over 65 million men and women in the United States are infected with sexually transmitted diseases that can cause severe pain, infertility, cervical cancer, and birth defects to children. Not to mention humiliation when you find someone you want to marry, but have to explain that you have an STD. The Bible says, “What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of?” (Romans 6:18)

A growing number of Genital Herpes continues with as many as 1.6 million new cases each year. One in four teens contract STDs/STIs each year. Source of data: American Social Health Association.

5. Distrust: If your spouse was unable to show self-control before marriage what is going to make him or her have self-control after marriage? Many people have affairs because they have never demonstrated control of their sexual drive prior to the marriage vows. Premarital sex can lead to adultery, which is a high cause of divorce.

6. Detachment: When we give ourselves away prior to marriage we share the most intimate part of ourselves with someone. Each time we are rejected or hurt we disconnect emotionally to protect ourselves from further pain. Eventually we get married without the attachment or emotional connection we should have to our spouse and lifetime partner.

7. Death: The Bible talks about spiritual death when we choose to disobey God. In Romans chapter six God asks, “What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things resulted in death!” In addition to spiritual death over a million deaths occur in the United States each year of innocent unborn children largely due to sex outside of marriage.

Notice that the Biblical definition of love is not at all about sex. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1Corinthians 13:4-7)

You may be asking, how do I stay sexually pure before marriage? It may sound impossible in today’s sexually promiscuous society, but it can be done.

First, avoid situations where you can be vulnerable. Don’t be in a house alone with the opposite sex or in some cases the same-sex. Today sexual pressure is happening from the same-sex, people wanting to experiment. Recognize the signs of sexual innuendos and don’t allow yourself to be around these people alone.

Be confident and in control by saying, “No. I’m not interested in sex.” Don’t have a spirit of fear, but of courage that comes from God. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified (afraid, fearful). Do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go,” (Joshua 1:9)

Do not drink alcohol or take drugs. Research shows that substance use is one of the leading causes to sexual activity and date rape. Do not leave your drink unattended where someone can slip you a date rape drug.

Flee from situations that set you up for going down the road of hooking up. Listen to your feelings when you are uncomfortable. That is the Spirit of God warning you to leave immediately. Women have had these feelings, but dismissed them becoming the victim of rape, date-rape or sexual pressure.

Pray for God’s power and strength to resist temptation. If you believe Jesus died for your sins, you have invited him into your heart to live and reign then you have the Holy Spirit in you. He will give you resurrection power to withstand temptation. You can make a choice to say no to sexual immorality.

The power is in you.

God’s Word To Live By:

1 Corinthians 6:13-17
The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute in one with her body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, who you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Romans 6:18-23
What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things resulted in death! But now that you have been set free from sin…the benefit you reap leads to holiness and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus.

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